problem loading posts

update

6 months later & I can tell you that I got into UC-Boulder for an MFA in Creative Writing. I visited Tim in Colorado & he treated me like shit. You forget the things people said to you & remember how they made you feel. I can’t go to Boulder because they didn’t offer me funding. I am bartending & studying to become a yoga teacher. I have been on a few dates but no one has been worth my time. I still cry every day because losing my ex to his stupid snowboarding fantasy and not being able to attend grad school are my worst fears come to life. I’m not sure how to deal with them & am seriously bordering depression. No one reads this shit but that is okay. Maybe in another 6 months I will have another boyfriend, be teaching yoga, and living somewhere that doesn’t make me feel like I am rotting into space. 

it doesn’t matter how good you are if you’re still being left for a place.

he leaves Monday. I want to die. I am always being left for something or someone better. I was an amazing girlfriend & he never cheated on me or intended to hurt me, but his dreams are bigger than & don’t include me. No matter how many times his family tells him he’s making the biggest mistake of his life not bringing me, his mind’s made up. And it hurts worse than being cheated on. At least then I could hate the fucker & move on. No. Being left for a place is worse. While I rot here, still unemployed & working my ass off just to get back on track. I’m a good person. I’m a good person & I’m a good writer & none of this matters anymore because I am still not good enough to go with & I am still being rejected from every job I go to & I am still waking up at 3 & 4 am crying & I still feel like I am a shitty person & a shitty girlfriend & a shitty writer & am absolutely worthless. I am still going to hate myself in the morning & many days after.

scientistmary:

Striped icebergs are quite a view. They can form a couple different ways. Blue stripes occur when layers of ice melt and refreeze so fast that no bubbles — which scatter light to give icebergs their white appearance — are created. If the water that freezes is rich in algae, the bands may appear green. Black, brown, and yellow striations are created by sediments picked up by a glacier as it runs down a mountain into the ocean.

(via athousandforests)

and so I lace the armor to battle the distance. (relationship update)

potential relationship-saver: finally apply to the PhD & MFA Creative Writing program(s) my professor recommended specifically based on my work & landscape preferences, TWO of which are in Colorado.

we’d both be pursing our dreams, without rushing the relationship into a “live-together” situation. it would allow me to keep a 1.5-2 hr distance from where he applied (in case this is an issue of “space” in his mind) AND finally accomplish my #1 dream I started 6 years ago. plus it’s the only PhD poetry program I’m really interested in, no way in hell I’m going to fucking Rhode Island or Georgia. there’s no one there for me. I have family in Colorado, I know 4 people from high school in the Denver area (that I worked with or were friends with at some point). it’s a sign. it has to be. & even if we break up before that, I’d still be moving far away from NH to a place that incorporates everything I love: city life & mountains. (the internal dilemma & the tattoo I have on my side)

HOWEVER: I don’t really know what is driving Tim though, & need to check-in in a few days once we’ve had time to think. I know his #1 dream is to move out to Colorado; & his friend, (who is currently visiting), convinced him to ride out when he leaves in October, & apply to these resorts again. (Since he applied a few years ago & didn’t get in). 

he said he doesn’t want to break up because he’s falling for me, but the distance would be too much. He said that meeting new people or hooking up w/ other girls isn’t his #1 priority & he probably wouldn’t think about it for a few months (but… in reality he’s human so I’m preparing myself for that).Though, he got upset when I accused him of that possibility & how because he has friends out there he’s going to meet girls so easily and be able to hook up & move on while I’m stuck rotting in NH, where, honestly I doubt I would meet anyone else even worthy of hooking up with. He said this isn’t going to be “easy” for him & that things are moving too fast (with moving out, not us). 

if he gets the job this season & I apply to these grad schools, I’m going to ask him if he would want to try and make it work, (since it would only be 3 months) in which he plans on visiting for Christmas no matter what we decide. In my mind here’s IDEAL SITUATION: If he doesn’t get the job I’m STILL going to apply to these grad schools for next fall. In which he could re-apply to those resorts & we could move out together, BUT still have the option of the 2 hour distance in case we’re still not ready to move-in together. 

I think we’re on the same page, but I’m going to check in & confirm that we are, because honestly I don’t think this is crazy. Here’s why: One of my mom’s coworkers (born in England) had a fling with an American woman. They “dated” for a while until she decided to move back to America. He realized he was falling for her and started freaking out at the possibility of losing her. She said, “come with me.” He said, “okay.” He fought for her & she became his future wife.

I’m not saying I would marry Tim at this point (because we’re soooooo young), but I’m in love with him enough to know I don’t want to lose him. I told him I was upset because it took me 2 years to find him (through dating websites). I finally found the right kind of guy for me and we’d be breaking up for a stupid reason. He agreed that it took him 2 & a half years & a lot of girls that didn’t mean anything or weren’t girlfriend material. We can’t give up yet.

and so I lace the armor. 

(500) days of Tim / if you’re a bird I’m a tree.

the damage is done… if he gets the job he’s breaking up with me. he might not even get it, but after our “discussion” he wouldn’t want to do long distance between NH-CO & doesn’t think we’re ready to move in together. I know he’s right about the second part, but here I am at 3am & I can’t stop crying.

if he stays, we’ll stick together, but I feel like our days our numbered… I helped him submit a wicked resume & cover letter. he’s Summer & I’m Tom. he’s Allie & I’m Noah. but in reality I’m just another stupid girl. I don’t want advice & I don’t want to hear about how I can “do better.” I don’t want better. don’t talk to me.

I’ve been helping Tim apply for seasonal cooking positions at Vail Resorts in Colorado (for October) & I’m so excited to help him follow his dreams, but also want to cry at the same time. It’s so hard to know this might break us up. We have talked about me “going with” if all goes well for him— & one of my top 5 grad programs is in Denver. All I know is I don’t want to lose him.